The more mature (I think that is the right word) I become in my Christian walk, the more obstacles seems to enter my way of thinking. Starting out walking with God was exciting and nothing was hard. Just simple faith in Jesus Christ as Savior which resulted in exciting visions and dreams! Life became a cake walk! A new life that produced wisdom and more understanding about God and His ways. I grew in maturity and soon realized that every issue is not just black and white any longer. Life got confusing and soon my smart thinking even was on its way to become shallow. 

I have accepted this dilemma by now. I have learnt that my heart is very deceitful. God pointed out to me that I have to lay aside my human way of thinking and learn to think and live according to God’s wisdom. One of the many verses from the Bible became clearer to me.

“The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?”                                                                                        (Jeremiah chapter 17 verse: 9)

The more I tried to know God, the more I begun to see my own feeble understanding. My understanding of myself and the world around me was wurped and soon I realized that I don't even know what's going on in my own most inner thought world. It came to a point that I even needed professional help to try to figure who I am and why I act the way I do. I grasped that my heart is deceitful and I individually cannot understand it.

Here is a Bible verse that helped me, even further in my quest.

"...the word of God is alive and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart."

                                                            (Paul’s letter to the Hebrews chapter 4 verse 12)

The solution to my dilemma is to continually read and feed my soul with God's Word, the Bible. There God provides tools for me to know myself. God created me individually and therefore he knows the very hair on my white scalp and he can explain who I am and why I am acting the way I do.!) Jesus explains it  this way in the Gospel of Luke chapter 21 verse 18

“..but not a hair of your head will perish.”                                                                                               

By reading and studying the Bible is to get to know myself and know God personally. That’s what life is all about! This helps us to become transparent to others and to God and to experience intimate relationships with God and others. God's Spirit cuts, divides and lays our very intimate attitudes and motives about life bare before Him and we start accepting our unsatisfaction and our desperate need for Him. Listen to this verse!

"What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body that is subject to death?"                                            (Paul's letter to the Romans, chapter 7 verse 24)

It is OK for me to grow more confused and “wretched” since that brings me to a healthier spiritual life in following Jesus. My “muddleness” brings me to God's clean heart! Not only does God clarifies the real meo myself  (with all my sins), but He gives me a strong desire to draw closer to oness with Him.